TEXT THIS!

Single men, take note. I'm about to spit some knowledge that will increase your chances of getting a woman to go out on a date with you, which, in turn, will raise your chances of getting laid. Are you ready? STOP TEXTING!!! Sorry. I didn't mean to yell. But sometimes a woman's got to get loud for a man to really get it.

A few weeks ago, I attended a Christmas party for my friend's production company. An open bar and some top quality sushi led to a few conversations with some eligible bachelors. One particular blue eyed, muscular gentleman seemed to take quite an interest in this unemployed writer. We chatted throughout the night, danced to some reggae and snapped a few photos with my new iPhone. After messaging the pics to my Christmas party paramour, he sprang to his car when his boys gave a whistle. And away they all flew like the down of a thistle. But he did text me a few hours later inviting me to join him for a late night meal with his friends at a local diner. I promptly declined. My girlfriend had driven us and was anxious to get home to her man. But Mr. Muscles was sweet enough to text me again later in the evening to make sure I got home ok. AND he invited me out for a dancing date later that week. I accepted and we continued the casual texting throughout the week.

As Thursday (a.k.a. First Date Night) approached, I became a little anxious that he had not actually called me on the phone to check in, chat, and plan our evening. And as it turned out, I had a writing workshop Thursday evening that I knew would probably run pretty late into the night. So when he texted me Wednesday evening, I informed him of my scheduling snafu. His immediate text response?
"That's okay. I was thinking of inviting the crew out anyway."

The CREW?! Who was The Crew? I didn't know any fucking crew! Did he mean his friends?? Who invites their friends out on a first date without running it by someone? Red flag #1.

I immediately texted back my displeasure....
"Really? I thought it was just going to be me and you on our date?"

He responded...
"Yeah we can def do one on one. I just gotta figure out what to do with myself until 10 when your class ends."

And there was red flag #2 waving in my face. As far as I'm concerned, a 41 year-old man should not have a problem occupying himself until 10pm. And if he can't, it isn't my concern. Bitchy? Maybe. But I'm from Miami and we keeps it real!

I could feel myself becoming very annoyed over this text conversation, so I decided to end it with my final text.....

"Ok. Well I'll let you think about it. Call me in the morning so we can talk."

But the next morning brought no phone call from Mr. Blue Eyes. Red flag #3. In fact, it wasn't until 4pm on First Date Night that he finally texted (NOT called me).....

"Sup mama?"

Really? Did he really think we were on the 'Sup mama' level already?
I quickly let him know that I had expected a phone call in the morning. In fact, I prefer to speak to a person a few times on the phone before going out with a relative stranger. So a date tonight was not going to happen. He apologized for not calling and gave me some excuses about being busy in the morning and going to the gym. Typical muscle Head excuse. But in my mind, he'd already been dismissed. Honestly, if he didn't have the time or inclination to pick up the phone to chat with me, then I certainly didn't have the time to drive 25 minutes to meet him for a date.

So the red flags can stop waving. I see ya.

Second Chances

I once had a star-crossed teenage romance with a boy named Rodrigo. We were in middle school when we met. I was 13 years old. He was 12. And we were both a bundle of raging hormones and unexplored sexuality. Obviously, my mom could sense the teenage lust and forbade me from seeing him. I did see him though-every chance I got. When my mom was pre-occupied on a long distance phone call with my grandmother, I would sprint the 1 1/2 miles to his house, just to sit outside and talk to him for 10 minutes. Then I'd run back home, my heart racing more from the threat of getting caught than the exercise. And after school, he'd walk me home and we'd kiss on my front porch until our lips were raw and red. This went on for 3 or 4 years. We didn't really know what to do after the kissing got old. Well, at least I didn't know what to do. But he did.

One evening when my mom was out with my brother at a boy scouts meeting, Rodrigo came over and we made our first attempt at making love. Funny how you can know what all the working parts are, but you're not exactly sure what to do with them. We fumbled. He fingered. I pulled. We both pushed and wiggled. I felt a pinch and put an end to the sex session. If it was going to hurt, then I wasn't interested.

We tried unsuccessfully a few more times. But Rodrigo eventually got bored and decided there were other girls who were much more willing and eager to close the deal. We remained friends, even after he went on to date a few of the girls in my social circle. My mind was more focused on finishing up high school then finishing off Rodrigo. When my senior prom rolled around, I didn't have a date. My best girlfriend, Laura was dating Rodrigo's best friend, Mike. So it only made sense we'd all go together. We had a great time. We drank beer in the limo, and did the traditional red carpet processional into the prom. Inside, I danced my heart out with my friends. And right before we left, Rodrigo and I had our photo taken in front of a gaudy "Under the Sea" backdrop.

Although my mom had given me a strict 1am curphew, I had my mind set on staying out the entire night. Besides, I was leaving for college in a few months. I figured I couldn't get into TOO much trouble for breaking my curphew. So Rodrigo, Laura, Mike and I all headed to a nearby motel to have a few more beers. Rodrigo rented us our own room and had a few more beers while making out. Then, the mood suddenly changed. I told Rodrigo I had no plans to sleep with him that night. He got pissed and left for about an hour. When he came back, he cuddled up behind me and we slept like babies.

I graduated and went off to college. I met "The Italian" and dated him for four years. It was during one of our infamous "breaks" that I decided to head home to Miami for Thanksgiving. Laura knew I needed cheering up and convinced me to go out to a local bar. And there was Rodrigo. Looking just as smooth and sexy as he had 4 years earlier. As soon as he saw me, he scooped me up in a big bear hug. He told me how great I looked and I echoed his sentiments. At least, I think that's what I said. I couldn't really hear myself because my heart was pounding in my ears.

We made small talk for a few minutes, staring in each other's eyes as if there wasn't anyone else in the room. Then, he dropped the bomb. He was engaged and getting married in 3 months. My heart sank. I awkwardly congratulated him. I actually knew his fiance, Jana. She was a beautiful and sweet girl I'd ran track with in high school. I wished him the best and when he asked me for my number I changed the subject and snuck away at my first opportunity.

A week ago, Rodrigo friend requested me on Facebook. And all of the sudden, it was like I was 16 again. My heart started to pound, I was sweating and my mouth was dry. I hadn't seen him in almost 8 years! I accepted his friend request and instantly started snooping through his photos. No pictures of Jana. Only a photo of him with 2 adorable little boys. And his current city was....SAN DIEGO!!! He lived 2 hours south of me??? Not in Miami? I didn't leave any comments on his page or message him. I just waited. And sure enough, today he sent me a message congratulating me on my success as a writer and telling me I looked fantastic in my photos. I waited a few hours and responded cooly.


ME: Hey Rodrigo-Great to hear from you. I had no idea you were living in San Diego. How's life? How's Jana. Do you have any little ones? Hope all is well.

RODRIGO: I'm doing ok. Actually, I'm in the middle of a divorce. Things didn't work out between me and Jana. No house and no kids together-which is making the separation a little easier. Those are my nephews in some of my photos. I love living in San Diego. I've been here for 3 years now. I'd love to talk to you and catch up sometime. (619) 323-954*

ME: I'm really sorry to hear about your divorce. I wish the best for both you and her and will keep you in my prayers. Your nephews are adorable! I had no idea your sister had kids. It would be nice to catch up with you as well. (310) 987-122*


And now, my phone is ringing. It's a 619 number.....that's San Diego.