Tyson's Mighty Full Monty

            I did it!  After one year of complete abstinence, I literally did "IT".  I had sex!!!  And it was mind blowing, body quivering, heart-poundingly DELICIOUS!

No, it wasn’t with Rodrigo.  Although we had rekindled our high school flame, it looks like he’s also got some wood burning with Julie.    And IT certainly wasn’t with my boss.  Good old Mr. Fit may be easy on the eyes, but the fact that he hit on me when he knows FULL well I know he’s married with kids gave me the heeby jeebies.

The IT happened with my old co-worker Tyson.  We worked together at the L.A. Times before I was unceremoniously laid off six months ago.  Tyson and I were both staff writers for the paper. There had always been some electricity between the two of us.  And I'll admit it, also a little casual flirtation.  But at the time, I was in a long-term live-in relationship with my ex-boyfriend, Mark.  Mark also happened to be the Sports Editor at the L.A. Times.  He and Tyson were not friends, but they definitely knew one another and would say hello in passing when Mark would swing by my desk to pick me up for lunch dates.

About a year ago, Mark had what I call a 30-something crisis.  He quit his job at The Times.  He also broke up with me and decided to go on a “spiritual journey” in Brazil.  Yeah right! More like an Ass-tastic voyage.   So I moved out of our apartment and in with a roommate in Santa Monica.

After Mark’s exit from the paper, Tyson was ON it...and by IT, I mean ME. He started by taking me out for lunch almost everyday. Then he suggested some private golf lessons at a local course, which involved alot of him standing behind me as I swung clubs at the driving range.  He even started calling me whenever he was in my area, and we’d go out for Happy Hour followed by walks along Venice Beach.  

A few months later, I got laid off from the L.A. Times.  Tyson had given me a heads up before it happened. He said he’d been in our bosses office and noticed a document with the title SEVERANCE PACKAGES that had a list of names below.  So when myself and 8 other employees were called into the conference room that Friday morning by our Human Resources manager, Ken, I wasn’t surprised. 

I took my severance package and headed off to Europe for a few months for a whirlwind holiday meeting up with friends in various cities.  My mom even joined me in Paris for a few days.  It was an incredible adventure, and possibly the best way for me to avoid falling into a severe depression.  Think about it.  In the matter of a few months, I’d ended a three-year relationship, moved to a new part of town, and lost my job.  But the beaches of Ibiza, the wine of Italy, and the men of Spain definitely helped me recuperate.  That is, until I returned to L.A.  and I was without a job and watching all of my friends, get engaged, have babies, and buy homes.  That kind of explains why my new writing job for BE Fit Magazine came at just the right time.   I really needed that boost to my self-esteem.

Anyway, back to Tyson.  I was out shopping with my best girlfriend Camila when I got a call from Ty.

TYSON:  Hey there my little world traveler!

ME:  Hey Tyson. How are you?

TYSON:  I’d be doing a lot better if you had called me when you got back into town.

ME:  I’m sorry. I’ve just had a lot going on.  How are things at The Times?

TYSON:  Not good. People are dropping like flies. They let go of Martin, Sara and Lucy last week.

ME:  Are you serious? Lucy’s been there for 10 years!  And she's pregnant.

TYSON:  I know. It was really sad. It just isn’t the same here….without you.

ME:  Oh, I’m sure you’ve found some other girl to go golfing and have lunch with.

TYSON:  Nope.  I’ve been waiting for you.

ME: (blushing)  Whatever.

TYSON:  So, there’s this incredible exhibit at LACMA and I was wondering if you wanted to go with me.  Maybe grab some dinner afterwards?

ME:   I heard about it. Is it the Quetzalcoatl in Ancient Mexico exhibit?

TYSON:  That’s the one!  And they have live music outside on the lawn Friday night too.

ME:  Don’t say anything else.  You had me at Quetzalcoatl.

            The two of us enjoyed a beautiful night together.  We drank wine.  Lots of wine.  We ate good food. We danced under the stars and debated about the lack of art that portrays the Afro-Latin experience in America.  Then we made our way back to my place for a night cap. 

            Have you ever had the kind of sex that takes you to another realm?  I hadn’t experienced that before Friday night.   When we arrived at my apartment, I was happy to see my roommate left a note on the fridge saying he’d be gone for the weekend visiting his parents in Orange County.  I was just about to open up the cabinet to offer Tyson a drink, when he came up behind me.  He turned me around, grabbed my face with both of his hands and started kissing me so suddenly and passionately, it literally took my breath away.  My legs started to feel like wet noodles so I tried to steady myself by holding on to the counter.  Noticing my unsteadiness, Tyson picked me up and carried me upstairs.

TYSON:  Which way? (He growled in a deep voice that sounded nothing like his regular voice.)

I moaned and pointed towards my bedroom.

          Tyson laid me on the edge of the bed and pulled off his shirt revealing a tattoo on his chest and shoulder I had no idea was there. Then he slowly took off each piece of my clothing and kissed parts of my body I forgot existed.  His lips brushed over my shoulder, my collarbone, and the inside of my arm.  His tongue left a moist trail from the back of my knee all the way up into my inner thigh.  Then his mouth was between my legs and I felt like my body was elevated off of the bed.  I exhaled all of the pent up sadness, anger and disappointment that was living inside me from the loss of my relationship with Mark.  As Tyson slowly put his fingers inside of me, my body tightened and then I released all memory of anyone else’s touch before his.  His fingers tickled the inside of me as his mouth caressed the outside.  I felt the waves of orgasm start passing over me and I cried out as I released. 

            That was just the beginning.  Tyson then pulled back the covers, picked me up and laid me on the cool sheets. 

TYSON:  Are you ok?

ME:  I’m VERY good.

TYSON:  Good.

            He then pulled off his jeans and I noticed the rippling of thigh muscles beneath his tanned skin as he climbed in bed next to me.  As if by instinct, I immediately reached down to touch his body.  He was huge in my hands and I briefly wondered how THAT was going to fit inside of ME.  Tyson interrupted that thought as he turned me over onto my stomach and began lightly massaging my body, starting with my neck and moving his way down to my feet.  Then, I felt the full weight of his body on top of mine.  He brushed his member along the inside of my thigh. It was hard and warm and pulsated as it got closer to my vagina.  He placed the tip of himself inside of me and I moaned with pleasure and pain.  He slowly pushed a bit more and as I became wet, it made it easier for him to move deeper.

ME:  Hold on a second! We need a condom.

TYSON:  Ok.

            I reached inside of my bedside table and fumbled around with my hand.  Nada.

ME:  Give me a second. I’ll try the bathroom.

            I tripped through the darkness into the bathroom and opened up the medicine cabinet.  Sure enough, there was the bag of goodies I’d gotten from Planned Parenthood.  I grabbed two condoms and headed back to my bedroom.  Tyson was laying on his back, completely naked with his hands behind his shaved head and his full monty standing erect and at attention.  I handed him the condom and he put it on, then growled as he playfully bit at my neck and climbed on top of me.  As he entered me, I thought how perfectly he fit inside of me.  We made love at least three times that night. And I climaxed double that number.   We fell asleep for a few hours sweaty and nestled in each other’s arms.  When I woke up, he was pulling his jeans on and looking for his shoes.

TYSON:  I wish I could stay for breakfast, but I promised the boys I’d meet them at 10am for golf.

ME:  I understand.

TYSON:  Thanks for last night.  It was out of this world.

ME:  Well I did study astronomy in college.

            Tyson laughed, kissed me and made his exit.

IN DATING, A LITTLE FACEBOOK STALKING GOES A LONG WAY....

A few weeks had gone by since my visit with Rodrigo.  We stayed in touch through phone calls and sweet text messages.  He said he was excited to come visit me in L.A.  Maybe spend the day hanging out in Manhattan Beach, then go out in Santa Monica for some drinks and dancing.  But the funny thing is, he'd never actually commit to a date.  Then his phone calls started to come less frequently.  He was still texting me every other day.  He'd started out with texts like, "Good morning beautiful.  I hope you have a wonderful day."  Then they became a little flirtier, "Send me a picture of you. I want to see how gorgeous you look today."  There was also, "I just saw your new profile pic on Facebook.  When can I get you to lean on me like that? ;-)"  And yes, he did use the winky face.  Eventually the messages were downright freaky! "I can't stop thinking about you. I'm so hard right now thinking about seeing you again."

I figured before I invest anymore time and energy into whatever this thing was, I should probably do a little investigating.  So I called up one of our mutual friends from back in Miami.

ME:  Katie! How are you girlfriend?

KATIE:  Uhhhh.  Girl-I am exhausted.  Little Leah is wearing me out!

ME:  How's your pretty little princess doing anyway?

KATIE:  Lovely.  She's sassy as ever and full of piss & vinegar.

ME:  Just like her daddy.

KATIE:  Exactly.  But can I just give you a piece of advice?  Don't be a single mom if you can help it.

ME:  You're day's been that rough, huh?

KATIE:  Rougher.  But how are you Sweetness?

ME:  I'm good. I actually had a little reunion with Rodrigo a few weeks ago.

KATIE:  Oh DID you?  Do tell more.

ME:  Well, he invited me down to San Diego for his birthday.  It was really nice seeing him.  It's been, like, 7 years since I've been in the same room as him.  I didn't even realize he was living in San Diego.

KATIE:  You know he and Jana are going through a divorce, right?

ME:  Yeah.  He told me.  He seems pretty torn up about it.

KATIE:  Well so is Jana.  Do you know why they split up?

ME:  He mentioned that he wasn't the best husband.

KATIE:  That's an understatement.  He cheated on her.

ME:  I thought it was probably something like that.

KATIE:  You know how much I love Roddy.  He's been like an uncle to Leah.  Every time he's in town visiting Leah's father, they come by and pick her up and take her shopping, and to the park.  He's got a great heart.  He's also got a curious penis.  So be careful.

ME:  He's always been like that.  A ladies man.  A rolling stone....

KATIE:  A snake in the grass.

After I hung up with Katie, I felt a little bad.  I didn't want to completely write Rodrigo off.  Not yet anyway.  I mean, he HAD made the effort to get in touch with me.  And he was open enough to introduce me to his friends.  I shouldn't judge him because he hadn't told me the ENTIRE story about his divorce.  It's not really my business anyway....although I do wonder if he and his soon-to-be ex-wife Jana were friends on Facebook.......

So I logged on and began doing a little "Facebook Researching."  Ok. I was stalking.  But how else is a girl supposed to protect herself?!  There was no Jana at all on his list of friends.  Check!  Although there were quite a few comments from his friend Julie that I'd met at his birthday party.  So I clicked on her photo....and there were 3 photos of them- at a baseball game, at a bowling alley, and at a bar.  If I found a photo of them at a Nascar race, I'd assume they'd soon be planning their white trash wedding.

WTF?!?  It's obvious from Julie's Facebook page that she & Rodrigo's relationship was a lot deeper than he had let on.  For goodness sakes, I thought Julie was with that dude Brian. She'd been playing pool with him all night and Rodrigo had barely spoken to her the entire evening. And he had flirted with me openly in front of all of them.  Oddly enough, there were no pictures of Julie and Rodrigo together on his page with the exception of one group picture with 3 other people at a Charger's game.  This was going to take a little more digging....

And then I came across Brian's page. After a few clicks, I put 2-and-2 together.  Brian and Julie were not dating. They were cousins.  I navigated back to Julie's page to read some of the comments.  A few of her Facebook friends left messages about how cute she and Rodrigo looked together.  Hmmm.....so according to my Facebook deductions and my incredible women's intuition, I'd come to a deduction.  Rodrigo was hittin' that.  That also explained why Julie kept checking me out the whole night I was in San Diego.  And clearly, they were not in a committed relationship and Rodrigo was using me to make her jealous.  Or maybe he just wanted to keep his options open.  What a dick!

This whole situation was going to have to be tabled, because my first article for BE Fitness is due in 24 hours and I'd only typed three words.

BUTTERFLIES & SOFT KISSES.......RECONNECTING WITH MY HIGH SCHOOL SWEETHEART

I just got back into town from visiting Rodrigo.  If you've forgotten, he was my middle school and high school love.  He's in the midst of a divorce and contacted me through Facebook a few months ago. We've been talking on the phone, emailing and texting each other since we reconnected.  Rodrigo's birthday was last Saturday, so he invited me to come down to San Diego to celebrate with he and his friends.

I felt a little bit apprehensive about making the trip down there.  But my excitement about seeing him again outweighed any nerves.  Plus, my girlfriend, Nora and her family live just outside of San Diego, so I decided to crash with them while I was there.

NORA:  Are you excited to see him?

ME:  I'm anxious.  And a little nauseous.

NORA:  Please don't throw up. I just had my carpets cleaned.

ME:  What if we don't have anything to talk about?

NORA:  You have over 30 years of stuff to talk about.  You'll end up reminiscing over middle school and high school. Then you'll talk about all the things that have happened since you last saw each other.


And she was right.  When I walked into the sports bar an hour later, Rodrigo was standing at a pool table and instinctively turned around.  His face lit up.  Seeing his reaction made me smile.  Then Rodrigo walked over and scooped me up in a bear hug.  I felt my face flush and those damn butterflies started flapping around in my stomach.  

RODRIGO:  Wow, Gia. I can't believe you're here.  You look amazing.

ME:  YOU look amazing. Happy Birthday!

RODRIGO:  Should I be happy to be getting older?

ME:  Absolutely! You're alive.  You're healthy.  And if you point me to the bar, you'll have a drink in your hand in 2 minutes.

RODRIGO:  And more importantly, I'm spending my birthday with you.

ME:  I didn't think it was possible, but you've gotten even more charming with age.

We walked to the bar and did two shots of Jamison together.  Then Rodrigo introduced me to his friends.  Don was his best friend from an old job in Seattle.  He was a good-looking guy with bright blue eyes and dirty blonde hair that was receding slightly. Tall, fit and very masculine.  Turns out he used to be in the military and works for the government, but he wouldn't tell me exactly what he did.  My guess is FBI.  Don had flown in a few days earlier for Rodrigo's celebration.  Julie and Brian were a couple seated on bar stools next to the pool table.

 Julie was your average looking Southern California girl with brown hair.  She was pleasant enough but definitely sized me up as Rodrigo introduced us. Her quietness and presence made me feel like she wasn't entirely comfortable in her own skin.  Brian was the exact opposite.  With his chubby, bright red cheeks and a huge smile, Brian was nothing but laughs and a good time.  The kind of guy you'd want to take to a baseball game and chug beers with.  And then there was Marco- a hysterical little Mexican dude who stood at the level of my breasts.  And complimented them.

We all talked, laughed, and played pool for the next few hours.  Don asked me questions about what Rodrigo was like as a kid and how we met.  Rodrigo sat next to me all night, our knees touching.  Glances were exchanged.  I flirtaciously touched his arm and he put his hand on my back as we talked.  The night eventually started to wind down.  Julie and Brian drove off together in their car.  I offered to give Rodrigo, Don and Marco a lift to Rodrigo's apartment since they had taken a cab.  When we arrived at Rodrigo's place, I climbed out of the driver's side of my SUV.  Rodrigo met me behind the car with an enveloping hug and a slow, soft kiss.

RODRIGO:  Thanks so much for making the trip down here. It was really good to see you.

ME:  It was good seeing you too. (eyelashes batting)

RODRIGO:  I'd love to come visit you in L.A. one of these weekends. Take you out and show you a good time.

ME:  That'd be nice. (another well timed eyelash batting)

RODRIGO:  Are you sure you don't want to crash here tonight.

I looked behind him at Don and Marco waiting and pretending not to watch us.

ME:  No thanks.  I think the guys want some one-on-one time with you.

RODRIGO:  OK.  Be safe driving back to your friends place.  Text me when you get there.

ME:  I will.  Happy Birthday.

I hopped into my car and made the 15 minute trip back to Nora's.  The house was quiet. I dodged squeaky kids toys as I tiptoed through the garage into the living room and upstairs into their guest bedroom.  As soon as I laid down, my cell phone buzzed.  It was Rodrigo.
       
                  RODRIGO:  Just wanted to make sure you got in safely.
                                        Thanks again for sharing my birthday with
                                        me. With everything that's going on in my
                                        life, it felt really good to be surrounded by
                                        people I care about.

                              ME:  Yes. I made it in ok.  Thanks for inviting me.
                                        It was so great seeing you again after all
                                        this time.

                 RODRIGO:  Did I mention you looked incredible
                                       tonight?  I can't wait to see you again.

                              ME:  I'm blushing! It would be really nice to
                                       see you again =)

                 RODRIGO:  I'll make it happen. Sweet dreams beautiful.

                              ME:  Good night. Talk soon.

He said sex doesn't feel as good with a condom

      After leaving the BE Fit Magazine offices, I felt like a celebration drink was overdue.  So I called my girlfriend, Veronica who worked as an assistant for a record label in Beverly Hills.

ME:  Vergina!

VERONICA:  I hate it when you call me that.

ME:  I know. But I have good news. Guess who WON'T be standing on the unemployment line anymore?

VERONICA:  Who even stands in unemployment lines?  Isn't all that crap on the internet?

ME:  Uhhhh!  Will you stop asking silly questions and get excited for me please? I GOT A JOB!  Let's go celebrate.  Happy Hour drinks on me.

VERONICA:  Now you're getting my Vergina wet.  Where shall I meet you?

ME:  Rodeo Drive baby!

VERONICA:  What?

ME:  I've always wanted to say that… get it?  Pretty Woman?  Kit?

                            SILENCE.

ME:  Nevermind.  Just meet me at Villa Blanca.

     Fifteen minutes later, I pulled up to Villa Blanca and promptly pulled away.  $25 for valet parking!?  Were they kidding?  I mean-Mama got a new job, but she hasn't gotten her first paycheck yet.  I found street parking and hoofed it to the entrance of the swanky Mediterranean restaurant just in time to meet Veronica.

ME:  Hey lovely.

VERONICA:  Oh, please!  I just got my period and I feel like a bloated cat in heat.

ME:  Horny period?  That happens to me too. 

VERONICA:  Is it possible for a woman to get blue balls?

I laughed as the hostess led us to our table on the front patio. 

ME:  I think a woman can get blue lips, but not so sure about the blue balls.

VERONICA: Well in that case, my lips were so blue last night they were black.

ME:  What happened?!

VERONICA:  So I went out on a third date with Eric.

ME:  You're still seeing him?  I thought you said he was too short for you.

VERONICA:  Girl-I've changed my mind.  I've decided I like them short, white and whipped just like Eric.  And he's really been blowing my skirt up.

ME:  What kind of kinky shit are the two of you into?  What is he blowing up your skirt for?

VERONICA:  Gia, that means he gets the "Vergina" moist.  He blows up my skirt!

ME: Oh, ok. Got it. Go on.

(Veronica is from Trinidad & I'm constantly confused by her "Island Speak.")

VERONICA:  So I go back to his place after our date for a nightcap.  And things start getting all hot.  Next thing you know, I'm naked and he's naked.  And of course, I ask him where the condom is at.

ME:  And?

VERONICA:  And he says, he doesn't like them because it doesn't feel as good with a condom.

ME:  Is he serious?! What are we, in 10th grade? 

VERONICA:  I know!

ME:  What did you say?

VERONICA:  I told him what feels even LESS good is not having sex at all.

ME:  Then what?  Did he tell you he was allergic to condoms too?

VERONICA:  Nope. Then he said he didn't have any.

ME:  How convenient.  Then he asked to just put the tip in, right?

VERONICA:  I think he thought about it.  But I didn't give him the chance.  I put my clothes back on this hot body and marched myself to my car.

ME:  Good for you!

VERONICA:  I've had one too many slip ups, slip offs, and period no-shows to risk another one with him.  And we're not exclusive.  I don't know what other whore he's sticking it in.  My new rule is ALWAYS make him wear a condom.

 ME:  Speaking of condoms, I think my new boss may need one for his eyes?

VERONICA:  Oh, wow!  Already?  Didn't you just start working there?

ME:  Yes! But when he looks at me, he does that thing with his eyes that makes me feel like I'm wearing lingerie.  And not La Perla or Intenzioni, but Fredericks or TRASHY lingerie.

VERONICA:  Yuck!

ME:  Thank God I get to work from home.

VERONICA:  What's the gig exactly?

ME:  I'm writing for this online magazine called BE Fit and the owner of the company is this ex-Mr. Olympia.  He's tall with this creamy milk chocolate skin.  And he looks like he could still bench press a Ford truck.

VERONICA:  Ooooh.

ME:  But he's married. I definitely saw a ring. And I saw pictures of his kids in his office.  I don't know…maybe it's just me.  Maybe I'm being overly sensitive.  He's probably not even thinking about me in that way.

VERONICA:  Honey, look at you. I'M thinking about you in that way.

ME:  Veronica you're crazy.

VERONICA:  But so what?  He wants to bang your back out.  Big deal.  How many executives do you think hire someone because of the slight possibility of seeing their nipsy russels.

ME:  Veronica! He hired me because I'm a great writer!!

VERONICA:  Of course you are. And you've also got a sweet ass.  You just have to set your boundaries with him and everything will be fine.

ME:  Okay. You're right.  Where is our waitress?

Who no longer has to wait by the mailbox for her unemployment check? THIS GIRL!

Spring has Sprung! The sun is shining. Flowers are blooming. And I've got a pep in my step because MAMA GOT A NEW JOB! I got a call to write for an online fitness magazine. The owner is an ex Mr. Olympia. A good looking brother in his early 50's. Charming. Full of smiles and compliments. And built like a brick shithouse.

After reading several of my articles and conducting a Skype interview, it was finally time to meet my new boss in person.

 The BE FIT Magazine headquarters were situated at the top of a tall, swanky building in Century City. The office had sprawling views of Los Angeles from the beaches in Santa Monica to the hills of Hollywood.  Mr. Fit sat behind his large Carpathian elm desk with his feet propped up Mad Men style.   He dismissed his assistant who had escorted me in, and walked around to shake my hand.  His eyes slowly took me in from the fedora titled on the side of my head right on down to my Giuseppe Zanotti platforms.

"Giovanna!  It is my deepest pleasure to meet you.  You are even more beautiful in person."

I blushed and took his hand as he kissed mine.

"Wow. Thank you. It's very nice to meet you as well.  I love your office.  The views are incredible."

Mr. Fit walked over to his wet bar and began pouring himself a cocktail.  I felt like I was meeting with J.R. Ewing.  Everything's bigger in Texas, they say.

And apparently Mr. Fit was too, or so his super tight trousers hinted.  By the way -who in the hell drinks a double whiskey on the rocks at 11am?  Mr. Fit gestured as if to ask if I wanted a drink too.

"No, I 'm good. Thanks."

"Well you're welcome to come enjoy the views here whenever you like.  If you've got writer's block, come on down here. I'll set you up in one of our spare offices."

"Thank you very much. I'm really excited about writing for BE FIT," I said taking off my hat and placing it in my lap.

Mr. Fit walked around to my side of the desk and leaned back against it just a foot or so away from me. "Giovanna, as I said during our teleconference, I want to encourage you to bring your young, hip style to our publication.  I don't want those tired how-to workout articles.  They've been done to death!  I want fun. I want adventure. I want sex."

I coughed and nervously tucked my hair behind my ear.  "I'm sorry. Did you say you want sex?"

"Yes!  Sex," he said emphatically.  "I want to make this into a sexy magazine. And by sexy, I mean edgy!  I want your articles to lead the way in innovative new workouts.  If the latest craze is couples taking tantric sex swing classes at Equinox-I want you to be the one breaking that story.  Get into those classes! Swing on those swings!"

I took out my notebook and began scribbling furiously.  Partially out of embarrassment but mostly so he wouldn't see me hiding a laugh.  "Well, I'm actually single. So it might be hard for me to attend a couples tantric sex swing class, " I said.

He took a swig of his whiskey and walked towards the windows. "Ahhhh, single. I remember those days. Best days of my life." Mr. Fit climbed up into his window ledge and pressed his nose against the glass.  "Now, I'm just an old married guy stuck in a loveless marriage."  Placing his glass by his feet, he suddenly stepped into a handstand.  Where in the hell was I? Cirque du Soleil!

I cleared my throat awkwardly. "I'm sure married life can't be that bad. Um. I know there's a window there and everything, but you're kind of making me nervous."

He turned right side up.  "You're right. I got three fantastic kids out of the deal. The self-involved, manipulative wife must've been the bonus."

"So...no cocktail parties at your house I take it?"

He laughed just a little too loudly.  "I wouldn't do that to my staff.  I'd like them to stick around.  Enough about me!" Mr. Fit hopped off of the window ledge and I inhaled for the first time since I walked into his office.

"Beautiful Giovanna, let's get you out there on your first assignment.  I want you to write an article on how you stay in shape.  Seven days in the life of Giovanna.  I know our readers want to know how a young, hot, single gal like yourself keeps your body so tight."

I smiled and fumbled to put my notebook back into my bag.  "I can definitely do that.  I've been wanting to take a new yoga booty ballet class at my gym.  So this will be my motivation."

Mr. Fit walked alongside me as we headed to the door of his office.  "I can't imagine you'd need any extra motivation.  I can tell you're ambitious all on your own." As I reached for the doorknob, he put his hand against the hard wood to stop me from opening it.

"If you need anything at all Giovanna, you call me. Anything. I get this feeling around you like I just want to take care of you.  Here's my personal cell phone line."  Mr. Fit handed me his business card.  "You can call me anytime of day or night on that number."

I accepted the card and reached out my hand for a firm shake. "Thank you. I appreciate it."

Mr. Fit took my hand and pulled me in for a big hug. That lasted just a little bit too long.

"Good luck kid. Knock 'em dead out there!"

I smiled and waved almost tripping over a flower pot as I walked towards the exit.  The receptionist pursed her lips and shot me a knowing stare as I said good-bye to her.

This job was going to be interesting.

Did She REALLY Just Offer Me Her Boyfriends Sperm?

I recently celebrated a birthday. It was nice. I was surrounded by my friends. We all did a little dancing and drank some strong cocktails. But my lean lemon lime martini didn't mask the reality that is my life. I'm single, one year deeper into my thirties and according to my mother-my eggs are drying up. You see, I received a very loving text from Mommy Dearest right after the New Year..........

MOM: I WAS WATCHING DR. OZ TODAY. AS SOON AS YOU COME INTO SOME MONEY, YOU SHOULD FREEZE YOUR EGGS.

Thanks Mom. And what's up with Dr. Oz anyway? I think he's brainwashing the world. The last time I got a freaky Facebook message from a guy I barely knew, it was because of Dr. Oz.

FREAKY FACEBOOK GUY: DR. OZ SAYS THE AVERAGE MALE PENIS SIZE IS 5 1/2 INCHES. I GUESS I SHOULD CONSIDER MYSELF LUCKY THAT I AM 9 INCHES AND VERY THICK.

ME: UM...DID I ASK? YOU ARE GETTING DELETED.

So anyway, back to my mom. Naturally, her text message sent me into a complete tizzy. I started trying to figure out how I could get the fast cash to freeze my eggs in case I don't meet someone in the next 3-5 years who would make a halfway decent husband/baby-daddy. Maybe I could sell a few of my eggs on CraigsList? I should be able to get a pretty penny for them. I mean, I'm attractive, healthy, with a good build, college-educated with a high IQ, great head of hair and child-bearing hips.....WAIT A SECOND! There's got to be some other way. I decided to table the issue for now, because I was making myself crazy. Besides, it was almost happy hour and I always think more clearly after a drink.

Luckily, I didn't have to drink alone. My friend Karl called me and said he had an extra ticket to the Lauryn Hill concert in Downtown L.A. Karl was going with his girlfriend, Dana who I'd met a few times, and our mutual friend, Bill. I love me some Lauryn Hill so of course I said yes.

After the show, we stopped in at a cute little Cuban restaurant. As the guys searched for a table, Dana and I bellied up to the bar.

ME: So how's your little girl?

DANA: She's wonderful! Eight years old is such a great age. She's my little stylist. She won't let me walk out of the house unless she approves of what I'm wearing.

ME: That's adorable.

DANA: What about you? Do you want to have kids.

ME: Actually I do. I just haven't met the right guy yet. Maybe I'll end up adopting or something. I don't know.

DANA: Well you're still young enough to have your own child.

ME: Yeah. I know. But I'm not really meeting too many suitable candidates.

DANA: Why don't you have a baby with Karl?

(cue me spitting out my lean lemon lime martini onto the bar)

ME: Me have a baby with Karl?!

DANA: Sure!

ME: Why don't YOU have a baby with Karl? He's YOUR boyfriend.

DANA: I already have a kid. I'm in my 40's. I've been married. I've done that whole thing. But Karl hasn't yet. And he's 53 so he's not getting any younger. I think he'd make a great dad.

ME: Shouldn't you check with him first before offering his sperm?

DANA: He'd do it. We were going to give some to our lesbian friends who wanted a baby.

ME: I think I'm okay for now. But thank you. I think.

DANA: OK. Have it your way. But it's here if you want it.

ME: Bartender? Another drink please!

DANA: What kind of guy are you looking for? You should date a Jewish man. They make great fathers and husbands.

ME: Well I'm a Christian and I'd prefer to marry someone who's also a Christian. But I'm not completely opposed to dating a Jewish guy. I like Jews. I mean-I like you and Karl, don't I?

(in my head: Was that racist?)

DANA: Oh look. The guys got us a table. Grab your drink!

TEXT THIS!

Single men, take note. I'm about to spit some knowledge that will increase your chances of getting a woman to go out on a date with you, which, in turn, will raise your chances of getting laid. Are you ready? STOP TEXTING!!! Sorry. I didn't mean to yell. But sometimes a woman's got to get loud for a man to really get it.

A few weeks ago, I attended a Christmas party for my friend's production company. An open bar and some top quality sushi led to a few conversations with some eligible bachelors. One particular blue eyed, muscular gentleman seemed to take quite an interest in this unemployed writer. We chatted throughout the night, danced to some reggae and snapped a few photos with my new iPhone. After messaging the pics to my Christmas party paramour, he sprang to his car when his boys gave a whistle. And away they all flew like the down of a thistle. But he did text me a few hours later inviting me to join him for a late night meal with his friends at a local diner. I promptly declined. My girlfriend had driven us and was anxious to get home to her man. But Mr. Muscles was sweet enough to text me again later in the evening to make sure I got home ok. AND he invited me out for a dancing date later that week. I accepted and we continued the casual texting throughout the week.

As Thursday (a.k.a. First Date Night) approached, I became a little anxious that he had not actually called me on the phone to check in, chat, and plan our evening. And as it turned out, I had a writing workshop Thursday evening that I knew would probably run pretty late into the night. So when he texted me Wednesday evening, I informed him of my scheduling snafu. His immediate text response?
"That's okay. I was thinking of inviting the crew out anyway."

The CREW?! Who was The Crew? I didn't know any fucking crew! Did he mean his friends?? Who invites their friends out on a first date without running it by someone? Red flag #1.

I immediately texted back my displeasure....
"Really? I thought it was just going to be me and you on our date?"

He responded...
"Yeah we can def do one on one. I just gotta figure out what to do with myself until 10 when your class ends."

And there was red flag #2 waving in my face. As far as I'm concerned, a 41 year-old man should not have a problem occupying himself until 10pm. And if he can't, it isn't my concern. Bitchy? Maybe. But I'm from Miami and we keeps it real!

I could feel myself becoming very annoyed over this text conversation, so I decided to end it with my final text.....

"Ok. Well I'll let you think about it. Call me in the morning so we can talk."

But the next morning brought no phone call from Mr. Blue Eyes. Red flag #3. In fact, it wasn't until 4pm on First Date Night that he finally texted (NOT called me).....

"Sup mama?"

Really? Did he really think we were on the 'Sup mama' level already?
I quickly let him know that I had expected a phone call in the morning. In fact, I prefer to speak to a person a few times on the phone before going out with a relative stranger. So a date tonight was not going to happen. He apologized for not calling and gave me some excuses about being busy in the morning and going to the gym. Typical muscle Head excuse. But in my mind, he'd already been dismissed. Honestly, if he didn't have the time or inclination to pick up the phone to chat with me, then I certainly didn't have the time to drive 25 minutes to meet him for a date.

So the red flags can stop waving. I see ya.